Perfectly Beastly

2010-09-07T21:42:00.001Z

Celebrities I Get Mixed Up

2009-06-10T20:19:00.005Z

Nick Nolte and Tom Conte

Will Ferrell and Paul Burrell

Fred Astaire and Lionel Blair

The BBC News Site Needs 'Hide' Buttons

2009-04-01T21:33:00.002Z

Next to every article on the BBC News sites there should be a little unobtrusive button that enables you to hide articles you've either already read, or don't want to see.

That way, once you've read news and hidden it, other news you haven't read yet could appear to take its place. Also, I wouldn't have to read, "Severed human head found in field" every time I load the damn page!

It would then need a little button somewhere on the page saying, "click here to view hidden articles".

It would just need to be associated with your cookie and / or your site login (as they have one for their Have Your Say section).

OK so the above would be quite database-heavy, but it would also bring the site into the 21st Century. Also sites like Digg and Reddit manage it. Plus articles would only need to be hidden for, say, 72 hours, because after that point they'll be automatically buried by newer news. That way the site database wouldn't get larger and larger ad infinitum.

I have spoken.

A Few Pictures

2009-02-08T20:38:00.014Z

As I go about my daily doings, I come across things that confuse me a little, or annoy me a lot. When I encounter these I take a picture of them on my phone, where they often remain for an extended period. I have now transferred a handful of these to my PC, to share with you all here.

Say "thank you".

To kick off there's this beauty from Para-Ti Menswear and Womenswear.

Now firstly, what kind of name is Para-Ti for a company, or indeed anything? And secondly, what the merry mongoose is "directional men's and women's fashion"?

The next image actually manages to make even less sense than the previous one. Granted it's lovely that it's called BobBooks.co.uk (assuming you know someone called Bob), but that fact alone isn't sufficient to absolve all sins. You might need to click on it to read clearly the sentence in the bottom left corner - "Turn your digital photos into unique coffee-table books. Perfect for weddings, v and family pictures."

Yes, it's perfect for v. Do you have a lot of photos that you'd like put into coffee-table book form for use at a v? Perhaps some old pictures of family and friends that you'd like to share as a gift in book form at your nephew's upcoming v? Remember the last time you forgot your wife's v? You don't want to make that mistake again, do you? Why not get her the most memorable v gift imaginable, with one of these books?

And finally, the one that makes me rage like an aggressively provoked chicken. This sign appears at the top of the stairs at the train / tram station I get off at each morning to go to work. To get from the platform to street level you have the choice of taking either the lift (with the wheelchairs, pushchairs and dirty looks), the escalator (when it's working) or the stairs. If you're brave enough to attempt the latter you're greeted with this sign in congratulation.

The problem is that: It. Makes. No. Sense.

Think about it mathematically - "You have just burnt a 16th of the calories needed to avoid weight gain". Paraphrased, one trip up the stairs burns one sixteenth of the calories needed to avoid weight gain. Therefore SIXTEEN trips up the stairs will get rid of enough calories to avoid weight gain altogether. If you go up the stairs sixteen times (a day, presumably), you will never gain weight, NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DO.

You could wake up early; say, 6am, pop to the station, walk up the stairs sixteen times, taking the lift down between each iteration obviously; you don't want to EXHAUST yourself. Then you can go home and eat pancakes all day, cooked in lard and covered with sugar, then have a lovely mid-afternoon fry-up, followed by a really oily fatty curry in the evening, all safe in the knowledge that it's impossible for you to get fat because, by the law of the NHS, you've burnt off all the calories needed to avoid that ever happening.

It's bollocks.

Rosie Hardy

2008-12-04T11:23:00.001Z

This woman's art on Flickr is so lovely. I'd say photography, but it's more art than photography.

Click

Pictures From This Public Computer

2008-11-23T17:49:00.003Z

As I'm in an Internet Cafe, other people have downloaded / uploaded pictures here. Here are a couple of samples I've found on the machine...

Today I Bought a Poster

2008-11-23T17:46:00.002Z

Cos I saw the original and it's rather striking.

Remind you of anything? That's intentional.

In London for the Weekend

2008-11-21T18:12:00.002Z

I'm in London for the weekend, staying at an easyHotel. Unfortunately I managed to book my room for 21st - 24th November 2009, which made a bit of a mess of things. I blame their site interface.

I was able to cancel (FOR A TEN POUND FEE), and rebook only tonight (FOR MORE MONEY). But tomorrow night is fully booked. After a bit of umming and ahhhing I have booked into another easyHotel for the next two nights (FOR EVEN MORE LOTS OF MONEY). They only had "special needs" rooms left, so they should suit me FINE.

Now I go there tomorrow to drop my baggage off.

Also, if you want to stay at the easyHotel in Earl's Court, there's a very pretty girl who works there called Nicola. Remember her to me. I'm the one who booked his hotel accidentally a year in the future. She'll remember.

NOW WHERE TO EAT?

The Sub Prime Mortgage Crisis

2008-11-20T15:35:00.004Z

A magnificent 8 minute comedy sketch by Bird and Fortune that tells you all you need to know about the sub-prime mortgage crisis that triggered off the current global financial meltdown. Wondrous.

DOGGY! (Ignore the music)

2008-11-16T23:11:00.001Z

Actual Human Proper Q.I. Tonight ...

2008-11-14T17:15:00.000Z

... with Terry Wogan.

Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

2008-11-10T07:50:00.004Z

Canadian Dogs Can't Jump

2008-11-07T09:33:00.001Z

I can't imagine a time when this picture won't make me smile. As usual, click for the full-size version.

"We Never Should Have Left That Island"

2008-10-30T11:25:00.001Z

Teh Snowz0rz!

2008-10-28T16:35:00.008Z

So, it's snowing in Birmingham! And it's absolutely freezing!

I died several times on my way home from work, from the cold. First I died of hypothermia, then frostbite, then exposure, then pneumonia, then there were two avalanches, then the common cold got me as my immune system was low from the previous deaths.

I took these two photos in the park on the way home (this one and the one above), and while they capture a light smattering of snow on the floor, they don't really accurately represent the sheer BLIZZARDNESS of the conditions out there.

I am now indoors (OBV), getting warm and observing the prettiness of the snow.

Hugs!

No Tea Today

2008-10-27T09:55:00.004Z

I'm going out to get breakfast now. I was going to get some drinks for the people in the office, but one of them never EVER gets me a drink. Not even a free one from the vending machine. And she gets them for everyone else.

I guess we all have a different idea of who's in our team. Everyone else feels that I'm in their team. She doesn't. Oh, and I buy her tea regularly, so she can sod off.

Therefore, as I don't feel I can get one for everyone but her, no one's having one.

And she's annoying. And not very nice. Or funny.

That picture isn't her.

Another EVIL Advert

2008-10-24T11:36:00.005Z

So there's another mobile service provider on the block, it would appear: Lycamobile. This is their advert from my local metro stop. It looks fine doesn't it; nice clear pricing structure, and a very appealling Unique Selling Point of 0p per minute for calls between Lycamobile users, probably to get you to encourage your friends to sign up, so you can chat to them for hours at no cost.

Unfortunately, it's a big fat LIE, as can be seen in the small print (click for a bigger version)...

So, this 0p per minute calls costs 15p to connect. Then there are no further charges for the first 30 minutes, after which time you're charged 9p per minute, which, you may note, is a higher rate than calling any of the countries on the list, excluding Uganda!

So exactly how is that free in any sense of the word? The fact is you're not able to get any free calls between Lycamobiles without paying 15p for the privilege. And then you only get 30 minutes "free", which equates to 2p per minute in reality.

I'm actually tempted to complain about this!

Edit - I just did. :-)

The "New Balance" Advert on the Metro

2008-10-24T08:17:00.005Z

Man, this has been annoying me for a while.

As you probably know, my journey to and from work each day takes me on the Birmingham Metro, a tram service running from Wolverhampton to Birmingham and back. As is usual on public transport, the tops of the walls are plastered with adverts for terrible local companies and universities. One of these is the above (although it's not for a local company; more a multi-national corporation), and I take great issue with it, for the following reasons:

Let's look at it line by line...

"Your friends don't understand what you see in RUNNING."

Right well first off, that's a bit of a sweeping statement, not to mention a negative affirmation. Secondly, why the capitalisation of the word 'running'? It kind of makes it look like they've used a template for an advert, where you just fill in the appropriate words for your product. It could just have easily have been "Your friends don't understand what you see in JOINING THE ARMY." or "Your friends don't understand what you see in KNITTING."

Next, and this is where it gets a bit weird...

"They just see the missed lunches, curious stares and constant mind games."

What???

Missed lunches? OK, firstly, what kind of self-respecting RUNNER skips lunch? What kind of approach to health is that? Is that what New Balance is encouraging?

Secondly, "curious stares" - what curious stares? Do runners get curious stares? Surely the "friends" this advert is referring to, in their abject ignorance, would be the ones giving the curious stares.

Thirdly, "constant mind games"?

Constant mind games.

Exactly what constant mind games are the runners amongst us up to? If you talk to a runner does it go...

Friend - "Oh, are you off for a run?"

Runner - "Maybe. Who wants to know?"

Friend - "Um, me. I only ask because because you've changed into your running gear."

Runner - "Who said this was my running gear? Maybe this is my ... museum-wear."

Friend - "Oh, um ... OK."

Runner - "Can I sleep with your sister?"

Friend - "I don't have a sister."

Runner - "Wrong answer! I'm going for a run!"

Because such a person probably isn't going to have friends to misunderstand him.

"If they don't see the other stuff by now, they never will."

OK, again, what? For a start, I'm pretty sure that all of us, runners or not, can see the benefits of running. You know, the healthy heart, the improved stamina, the toned body. That doesn't mean that we all want to be regular runners. I suspect that most people have tried it at some point and thought, "Hmmm, this actually hurts quite a bit. And I keep finding myself a long way from home, hot, out of breath, thirsty and with a stitch in my side. Perhaps I'll just stay at home and wait for someone to create an easy method of keeping fit." It doesn't mean we don't "see the other stuff".

And then you've got that ridiculous premise that, because someone doesn't know something right now, they will never know it. Is that really what New Balance believe, as a corporation? That must mean that they never promote from within. Either you're born a CEO, ready to step in and lead a massive company, or that's it; you'll never be able to be one.

Right, I've made my point. I'm off to get breakfast.

Sorted That Out!

2008-10-24T08:16:00.001Z

Right, after much thinking yesterday, I got to the bottom of the previous night's nightmare.

Didn't expect that, did you?

Horrid Nightmare Last Night

2008-10-23T13:41:00.004Z

So I was woken at around 5 or 6am this morning by a rather horrid nightmare. It's one of only a few I've had in my life that are, essentially, just weird, but are filled with a nasty sense of dread, fear, and in this case, nausea.

As usual I can't remember all the details, not by a long way. But I know that the world had gone a little peri-apocalyptic. There was a lot of unhappiness and panic around. A lot of "how are we going to survive?" and "how are we going to get food?" etc.

All of that was of course unpleasant enough, but then this thing started to grow on the ceiling somewhere in the house (my parents' house, incidentally). It was just like a lump of furry matter, kind of squarish, and most definitely alive in one way or another. No one liked to go near it, and if we hadn't been living in a peri-apocalyptic world, we'd probably have called in a specialist to look at it.

As time went on, the sense of dread about this thing increased. And one day I happened to touch it, probably with a stick, and lumps of it started to fall off. These bits fell to the floor dead, leaving something behind that was approximately this shape...

Only less long, with the head section slightly shallower, and none of the knobs and other ornamentation. Also, the long bit was floppy.

The surface of this creature was the texture of felt (something I'm not sure I've touched in many years), and was pastel colours - possibly green and orange, maybe pink ... or blue. Whatever colours it was, it had just two of them. One that covered it's whole body, and one that contrasted it that formed a few lines and markings on the top and bottom of it.

Anyway, this creature kind of peeled away from the ceiling and fell, and I caught it. I was wearing black rubber gloves, but at one point a bit of it touched my skin. This gave me such a sense of nausea, and I remember in the dream whining, "ewwww, it touched me!!!".

I then carried this creature to the kitchen in my parents house. The body section (which had no eyes or mouth) was warm, and I think it had a heartbeat. The long thin bit was just kind of floppy, rather like a tail. And the thing. Felt. Evil.

Evil. Evil. Evil.

I placed it on the kitchen table and stood back with a couple of other people, unsure what to do next. Then the creature started to scream. I don't remember it moving, but this extremely high-pitched scratchy scream pierced through all of us, and we all covered our ears. I think it meant that it was afraid, or it might have been because it was no longer being touched.

Then, out of some part of its body it released a bee. This bee was about 4 or 5 inches long, and in fact was more like a hornet. It flew almost vertically, with its stinger thrust out ready to get you. It also buzzed incredibly loudly. At that point my mum came along the corridor, and the bee flew at her legs. She moved to kick at it, andw we all shouted at her not to, as it was obviously very dangerous.

After we'd screamed it flew right at me in the corner of the kitchen, and started to move back and forth at me.

And then I woke up, with a really cold arm.

Quite Interesting

2008-10-22T21:17:00.003Z

Pfft! Every year around this time, a new series of QI begins. This year, for some reason, it's not. It's not starting until January! There is a Children in Need special being broadcast on 14th November, and a Christmas special in December. So no need to die yet.

Of course this means that we won't have a Hallowe'en special, which I was looking forward to.

Also, the show is going up in the world, in that it's moving to BBC1 for the first time ever.

Looking forward to it. :)

And Another Thing...

2008-10-22T10:09:00.005Z

So this morning I decided it was officially my turn to get drinks in, after whatsherface paid yesterday. My reason for deciding this was that Harry Hill (not his real name) was in, along with LovelyWoman. Harry Hill buys teas and coffees for everyone always, so I owe him about a million. LovelyWoman gets them in regularly too, and is lovely, so I wanted to get her one. And whatsherface bought them yesterday, so I was happy to get one for her.

THING IS, there were two extra-bonus unknown noobs in the office this morning. So am I supposed to get them drinks? As I mentioned yesterday, I like to be a good host, but these ones aren't my guests. Also I doubt they'll ever get me a coffee in return.

Now it sounds like I might be making a big deal out of this; that I should just include them. But bear in mind that I get my coffees in from Starbucks, which isn't cheap! If I just add these two people in, and they both want, say, a latte or cappucino, that's an extra £5! I can't afford that for whimisical people who I don't know!

Anyway, I decided to grit my teeth and buy them. At least I then get to look MAGNANIMOUS AND PHILANTHROPIC. And as it turned out, someone had recently bought a round in, so I didn't need to. I just got one for myself and Harry Hill, and all was joyous.

End of story.

Best story ever.

Tea, in the Style of Dishwater

2008-10-21T14:58:00.003Z

OK, so today I had a visitor at work so I did what I always do when I have someone visiting, and got a round of coffees in. I should probably take money from that person when I offer them a coffee, but I never do. I guess it's trying to be a good host.

Anyway, today I followed standard protocol of asking the rest of the office if they'd like one too. OK, not the rest of the office really, that's a couple of hundred people on my floor, but the people with whom there is established a symbiotic coffee-sharing relationship.

As I half-expected, one of the people I asked offered to pay for the drinks. She never gets them in herself, but from time to time will thrust you money when you're getting them in. I fake nearly-declined her offer,took her money and asked the other two people in the office if they wanted one. One of them, let's called him Paul Marshall, said he'd have a tea, but then mumbled a bunch of stuff about making it properly, with lots of gesturing that I couldn't understand. He then summed his requirements up with the phrase, "don't make it like dishwater".

Now firstly, pffff, that's no way to accept the offer of a drink! OK in the end I wasn't paying for the drinks. But if I had been, I would not have been impressed. In fact, if I could go back in time I'd have declined the woman's offering of paying for the tea, and then said something indignant at Paul Marshall, such as, "you know, Paul, you don't have to have one if you don't want one. Or if you don't trust it to be OK then you can always go and make it yourself."

That would have shown him!

And anyway, in what way is tea ever like dishwater? Dishwater is full of dirt / old food and washing-up liquid. Tea is full of tea, water, milk and sugar. There is no actual similarity. Not only that but I doubt they even taste slightly similar. It's a far too commonly used comparison and it should be stopped right now.

Price Rises - The Ethics Therein Hereof and Thereafter

2008-10-21T14:50:00.003Z

OK, so, imagine you're a baked potato seller on a City Centre High Street, OK?

You sell your basic potato with butter at £2.00, and it costs you £1.00 to make. You have always based your business around a two-times-cost multiplier, whereby whatever it costs you to make your product, you double it to get your retail price.

OK, due to the increase in global food costs your potatoes now cost £1.20 to make. Should you therefore charge...

£2.20 - thereby passing the 20p price rise onto your customers. Fair enough. Why should you carry the brunt yourself?

£2.40 - thereby maintaining the two-times-cost multiplier, but also meaning that you as a retailer are profiting from the rise in food costs?

Tricksy.

Take On Me - The Literal Version

2008-10-08T19:30:00.005Z

Said the Raindrop to the Seed (The You & Me Song)

2008-10-08T15:01:00.001Z

"You and me,"
Said the raindrop to the seed
"WE'll make a winning team won't we?
Cause when I fall down
You'll become a pretty flower
And I'll be finally free
From the shackles of this cloud

And the sun will shine
And we'll make the most of life
Come, we haven't got much time
'Cause all living things must die
But I will nurture you
'Til your petals turn to white
And you will hold me close
Until the last drop of me dries"

'Cause you and me
We have each other
And that's all we need
The place I'll call my home
Is anywhere that you will be
You and me
(should be) MAY never make a mark on the shape of history
But I'm glad you came to make your mark on me

So darling when I lie down
I hope you'll be around
To lay your roses down over me
'Cause I'd never keep
To watch you fall asleep
I wouldn't last the day
Without you standing next to me

Through a satellite lens
We are just a tiny speck
Oh, of little consequence
In the greater scheme of things
But from down here
In our private little sphere
The colours are in focus
And the picture's crystal clear

'Cause you and me
We've got each other
And that's all we need
The place I'll call my home
Is anywhere that you will be
You and me
(should be) MAY never make a mark on the shape of history
But I'm glad you came to make your mark on me

Yeah I'm glad you came to make your mark on me."

Help a Bald Brother Out

2008-09-05T17:38:00.001Z

Chaiyya Chaiyya

2008-08-08T11:10:00.002Z

I'd love to see actors and actresses from Hollywood performing a dance routine on the roof of a moving train. But of course it would never be allowed. :-)

Don't. Even. Mess.

2008-08-04T10:19:00.002Z

All the different versions are listed here. I can't listen to the samples at work, so will have to research tonight!

:-)

15 Years!

2008-08-04T10:05:00.002Z

So, back in 1993 Whiskas ran an advertising campaign, promoting their association with Waltham Laboratories, who help them produce their catfood. I immediately loved the music from this advert, and for the last 15 years have been trying to track it down.

Unfortunately, my copy of the music (recorded from the advert) was lost YEARS ago, so I haven't even been able to play the tune to people to see if they recognise it.

Well now someone has uploaded the advert to YouTube, so I'm hoping that I will now be able to find out what it is and who it's by. Of course it's possible that it was created specifically for the advert and so I won't be able to track it down. Here's hoping though!

I have emailed Masterfoods, who make Whiskas, to ask them about it. This is the third time I've emailed them, but now I'm going to hassle them repeatedly about it.

I've also played it to the Shazam music identification engine, to no avail. :-(

2008-08-04T08:38:00.001Z

I Got A Lovely New Sofa

2008-05-20T15:46:00.001Z

My mum wants me to point out that the photo doesn't do justice to the colour though. :-)

Too Late!

2008-05-19T10:05:00.001Z

They processed the cancellation by phone, but then didn't check the email account until the following day, so it's actually cancelled now...

No PC fodddr me. :-(

Still No PC!

2008-05-19T09:44:00.002Z

Mesh are crap.

At least their customer service is. Shockingly so.

So I still don't have my PC. A week last Friday I phoned them and asked when it would be delivered. The guy said that they were expecting a batch of processors in on Monday (last Monday), and that the machine is fully built apart from the processor, so that means that I should have it by last Friday.

On Monday I rang them again, just to check everything was going to plan. The processors hadn't turned up, but were still expected "early in the week". Obviously the guy denied that anyone could have told me that the processors would be here on Monday, because they were only ever expected early in the week. Still, he assured me that they should be here by the Tuesday, then my machine would spend a couple of days in Quality Control, and should be shipped towards the end of the week, so I should have it Friday-ish. More or less.

On Thursday, having received no email from them, I phoned them up to check that everything was going to plan. I was again told that I'd been misled. Sure, the processors had been delivered - 50 of them - but as they have a queue of orders trailing back to early March, all of those processors were already allocated, so there wasn't one for my machine. I asked when I would get one and he chuckled and said he didn't know.

I then cancelled my order, which he said I had to confirm by email. To be honest I think that actually meant that he didn't want to have to deal with the cancellation himself, so if I emailed then someone else would pick it up and deal with it. After emailing them I started to shop around for a different machine, but after half an hour of doing this I decided that, no, there was no other machine I wanted; that one is just perfect in every way. So I emailed them again to ask them to reverse the cancellation, and just hurry my machine along.

When I sent the cancellation email, I asked for a confirmation email to be sent to me - none came. When I reversed the cancellation I also asked for a confirmation email to be sent to me - none came.

I've no doubt my machine will make it to me eventually. I'm about to ring them again for their next wholly dishonest update. The thing I'm left wondering is - assuming when my machine arrives that it's absolutely fantastic and beautiful and wonderful, would I recommend them to friends as a good company to get their next PC from?

PCs good. Customer service as bad as I've ever experienced.

Yay!

2008-05-14T09:40:00.002Z

MORNING!!!!

Isn't it BEAUTIFUL outside?

I am in SUCH a good mood today.

And I've just had a double-espresso. SORRY, DOPPIO ESPRESSO! And I flirted with the woman who sold it to me.

Not very well, but at least I tried!

What have you ever done, eh?

I'm also working hard, ordering a laptop for a woman called Geraldine, taunting my niece on MSN and wondering why ... nothing!

:-)

Chuck Love & Reverend Wright - White Friends

2008-05-08T10:42:00.002Z

Original video, for context.

How ARE You?

2008-05-02T08:28:00.004Z

So if there's one conversation I have at least once or twice a day at work, and absolutely hate, it's the following...

Generic Work Person - Hi David, how are you?

David - I'm good, how are you doing?

Generic Work Person - I'm good, you?

I feel like asking...

"Why would you ask me how I am for a second time? That just doesn't make any sense. Don't you realise it was you who asked me how I was at the start of this conversation? I then did the polite thing, told you I was good and reciprocated with the 'how are you?' question. The least you could have done would have been to uphold your side of the bargain and just confirm that you're OK, so the conversation can move on to more important business. But no, you had to reveal the unspoken yet universally known truth that your initial 'how are you?' was a lie, a falsity, a social 'nicety' with no depth or substance to it whatsoever; no caring, no human connection. To you I'm just a voice on the end of the phone that you contact to get things you need, and you've learned somewhere that you have to do the awkward little 'how are you?' dance before you can ask for what you really want. And you can't even get that right.

I bet you live your whole life like that; just a series of unreal conversations with no truth or meaning to them. Is your marriage like that too? Are your conversations with your partner that you profess to love and adore actually just a set of pre-determined stimuli and responses? And your children too? Have you ever truly connected with anyone? I very much hope you have, but sadly doubt it.

Now, you're after the quarterly performance trackers aren't you, Steve?"

Yes, Cute Kittens. Got a Problem With That?

2008-04-29T21:06:00.002Z

WHAT a Knackering Weekend! Cont...

2008-04-29T14:53:00.003Z

Right I've had my wee so, as promised, just finishing off this post.

So yeah, the support act was one of those wispy, "oh I'm singing from my soul. Well not really, but I'm singing what I think sounds like I'm singing from my soul, but is actually pretentious bollocks" singer-songwriters. Over the years I've become less and less tolerant of these. I want to see SPARK and GENIUS when I see people perform live, and if it's just not there, I get impatient.

Now, the actual Madeleine Peyroux concert was an interesting mix of terrific songs and appalling sound quality. I don't know what the 1970s, wood panelled auditorium is usually used for, but it really didn't work for full-warm jazz sounds. All of the tones were extremely mid-range; there was no warm dum-dum-dum bass sounds as needed, and no crisp high hats and cymbals on the drums. This was kinda distracting.

After the show, we got back on the train and headed home again, getting in extremely late. The whole weekend really took it out of me. I really need to ensure I have at least one day on the weekend allocated to doing nothing, or at least next to nothing. Or at least not travelling or staying up late.

Agreed.

Mesh Computers

2008-04-29T14:32:00.003Z

So as you may or may not be aware, on returning from Italy / France last week, I found my PC to have DIED! I staggered into my flat, exhausted after 36 hours on trains to the sound of beeping, and when I smelled my PC (as you do) I detected a fusion of oak, summer berries and the gentle odour of burned motherboard.

So I ordered a new one. This was last Wednesday at 7.10pm. As I went through the ordering process, I was a little concerned by the fact that nowhere was I informed how long it would take for the machine to be built and shipped to me - slightly lame and unprofessional I thought. And indeed, almost a week later, I still haven't been told.

The evening I ordered it, I dropped them an email asking what the standard turnaround is for delivery, and how long they anticipate my machine taking to ship. They never replied.

The following day they sent me a standard automated email telling me that I can track the status of my order through their website, by logging on. Unfortunately I didn't have a log in for their site, as this wasn't required when I ordered through Google Checkout. So I emailed them back saying, a) login WTF?, and b) when will I get my PC?. They then replied with login details, and ignored the question about how long my PC will be.

Oh how I love it when you email companies with more than one question, and they answer just one of them.

So, on Friday just gone I emailed them again saying, ""Hello, I've emailed you three times now to ask for an ETA on the delivery of my machine. Nothing on your site details standard turnaround times, and I don't know if you will contact me if there's any kind of delay in building my machine due to shortages of parts etc. Please let me know." It's now Tuesday and I've heard diddly squat.

So today, I've emailed them for the FOURTH time saying, "Hello!!! 4th email asking this now! WHAT IS THE STATUS OF MY ORDER? WHEN WILL I GET MY PC? Hugs! David".

Maybe that'll do it. Maybe it won't.

I have heard ... elsewhere ... that they do aim for a <14 day turnaround, subject to cleared funds. Obviously, being the type of company they are, they took the £1,128.26 from my card pretty much as soon as I'd placed my order. This means that I should have my PC by next Wednesday at the latest. If only I could be sure!

Now I'm not too surprised by all the above. Most large PC manufacturers are famous for their appalling customer service - Dell, for example - and indeed having read reviews of Mesh across the web, I'm not sure I've come across so many stories of their disrespecting customers. I just hope that, when the PC arrives it is the horses, and I'll be able to put the memory of their sheer incompetence as a company behind me.

Hugs :-)

Ahem

2008-04-29T14:19:00.003Z

Oh hello! You're all still here? Sorry, I got caught up elsewhere for a bit!

So, every few weeks or so I have an idea for a website I could create. A couple of these have come to fruition.

Loose Change - Unfortunately this is shutting down in a couple of weeks. It's never been that active, and as the domain is expiring soon, I decided to just let it die.

The Tao of Kids' TV - This is going very well at the moment, with nearly two and a half thousand active users. All I need to do is double that number and have matched Jesus when he fed the five thousand!

Yesterday in bed I came up with an idea for a site. I read the BBC News day in day out, and recently have found myself getting a bit depressed about the sheer amount of bad news on it. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be great if there was a site that only delivered good news? Now I'm not talking about sugary sweet stories of children winning awards, and cute dogs saving cute cats from burning buildings, but rather just not the negatively slanted "oh look, another awful thing just happened. let's talk about it for AGES, and scaremonger everyone into frantic despair" approach of most of the media.

Now, as one should when someone has an idea for a new website, I investigated to find out if anyone else had beaten me to it. They had...

Happy News - "Real News, Compelling Stories, Always Positive"

The Good News Network - Nope, not a site promoting the word of our "Lord Baby Jesus".

So I'm kinda happy to find these. Now, I guess realistically, I can't see myself using these as my only source of information about what's going on in the world, but I think they're going to make some interesting reading.

What Me and the Boys Got Up To Today

2008-01-26T22:13:00.000Z

The Tao of Kids' TV

2007-12-07T18:37:00.002Z

www.ttoktv.com is a new torrent site specialising in Kids TV. It's intention is to become a resource and archive for both current Kids TV and classic material.

It currently works to the ethical standard of only allowing material not available commercially onto its tracker. So if it's available for purchase anywhere in the world, it won't be allowed onto ttoktv.com.

ttoktv wants to become a regular resource for parents to be able to find shows that otherwise they wouldn't have access to, due to those shows only being broadcast in other countries. It also wants to ensure that classic shows don't get lost into the mists of time, just because they've never benefited from a DVD release.

Link - www.ttoktv.com

Digg It -

2007-12-01T01:56:00.001Z

The Australian Men's Shed Movement

2007-11-16T13:33:00.001Z

Australia has come up with a novel weapon in the fight against high rates of male suicide and depression - a variation on the humble shed.

The Men's Shed movement is booming in disused warehouses and other suburban buildings, which are being transformed into havens for mostly older men to socialise.

Click!

Teh OiNKz0rz

2007-10-25T15:17:00.001Z

So apparently this site is a FAKE!

Read teh interview with teh OiNK here.

I Can Make It On My Own!

2007-10-25T12:16:00.001Z

Injured Kitty Wont Give Up - Watch more free videos

2007-10-24T21:35:00.000Z

Day Trip to Warwick Castle

2007-10-18T18:27:00.000Z

So today, as part of my week off work, Bob and I visited the lovely Warwick Castle for a good old explore.

Here are a few pictures from the day...

So, Jana Left...

2007-10-01T09:59:00.000Z

But was replaced by a girl called Simone.

Now this girl / woman, call her what you will, is causing me some confusion. Firstly, she's gorgeous, which is fine. Secondly though, she's young, which is a little less fine. The problem I have is that I don't know her age. There's a chance she's something ridiculous like 18 or 19, in which case I'd rather not look at her, but just pat her on the head and tell her 'well done' for counting my change out correctly. And of course there's the age-old question of "how young is too young?". I'm 31, so am I 'allowed' to 'look' at 25 year olds? 21? 20?

I think you see my predicament.

Anyway, I think she looks at me. At least she definitely gives me 'a look', but that might just be 'oh hello, man who stares at me'.

Anyway, pfft, who cares? I'm not really interested anyway.

De Vinci's Notebook - Enormous Penis

2007-08-14T09:01:00.001Z

Harry Potter Puppet Show

2007-08-01T22:31:00.000Z

Futuristic Sex Robotz - Positronic Pimp

2007-07-22T12:20:00.001Z

As found on Mister Yibble's Blogfest

Baby From Cover of Nirvana's Nevermind Album 17 Years Old Now

2007-07-15T20:30:00.000Z

I Wonder...

2007-07-05T16:49:00.000Z

... if I post on here, will it appear on people's RSS readers, then will they pop by, and I'll be able to see them appear in the chatroom?

Interesting. We'll see.

7 Years

2007-06-27T21:16:00.001Z

27th June 2007

It's COMING!

2007-06-22T10:46:00.000Z

Can you guess what I'm whistling slightly too loudly at work right now?

Bob Monkhouse - Prostate Cancer Advert

2007-06-17T09:25:00.001Z

Bit freaky, eh?

Dog Has Kitten

2007-06-12T22:50:00.000Z

Normal?

A dog has become a local celebrity in a Chinese village after she reportedly gave birth to a kitten.

Hua Chengpeng, of Huayang village, Jiangyan city, told People's Daily that the unlikely animal was the third 'puppy' in his pet's litter.

"The first two puppies the dog produced were both normal, but when the third baby came, the whole family was very surprised to see a cat-like creature. It is a cat, not a dog at all," he said.

Local residents have been flocking to his house to see the 'kitten' which local vets say is really a puppy which looks like a cat because of a gene mutation. It apparently yaps like a puppy.

Hua says his son brought the dog home from Liaoning city, where he had been working, a year ago.

Didn't Go To Prague

2007-06-12T22:42:00.000Z

Don't want to talk about it.

:)

4 Days to Prague!

2007-06-07T09:38:00.000Z

Man, I haven't posted here in AGES. Not properly anyway. Well, I've had stuff going on. Good stuff.

But now I can't resist mentioning that I'm off to Prague on Monday for a few days away on my own. I'm going to see all the lovely architecture, history and beer. OK, so it's also a massive stag and hen destination, and is rife with prostitution at night, but I'll somehow manage to steer clear of all of that.

So yeah! Excited!

As usual I'm nervous of the flying. I'm also nervous of the being in a strange non-English-speaking country on my own! But I'm a brave lad, and I'm sure I'll cope. :)

Yay! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

2007-05-20T01:37:00.001Z

2007-05-17T14:38:00.000Z

Stephen Fry Alarm Clock

2007-05-17T14:15:00.000Z

I want one of these!

My Generation - Best Cover Ever!

2007-04-26T15:26:00.000Z

The oldest and greatest rock band in the world - meet The Zimmers and their amazing cover of The Who's "My Generation".
Lead singer Alf is 90 - it's quite something when he sings "I hope I die before I get old". And he's not the oldest - there are 99 and 100-year-olds in the band!
The Zimmers will feature in a BBC TV documentary being aired in May 2007. Documentary-maker Tim Samuels has been all over Britain recruiting isolated and lonely old people - those who can't leave their flats or who are stuck in rubbish care homes.
The finale of the show is this group of lonely old people coming together to stick it back to the society that's cast them aside - by forming a rock troupe and trying to storm into the pop charts.
Some massive names from the pop world have thrown their weight behind The Zimmers... The song is produced by Mike Hedges (U2, Dido, Cure), the video shot by Geoff Wonfor (Band Aid, Beatles Anthology), and it was recorded in the legendary Beatles studio 2 at Abbey Road.
Look out for the single being released from May 21 - with proceeds going to a good cause.
And check out more photos and info at:

www.myspace.com/thezimmersband

Die Hard 4

2007-04-04T19:06:00.000Z

OMG! Exciting!

Lies

2007-04-02T15:38:00.000Z

Give me a W!
Give me a T!
Give me an F!

What's that spell?! Serenity is a better sci-fi film than STAR WARS.

$t4r W@R$ i5 +3H R0X0r

She Knows My Name!

2007-03-23T10:14:00.000Z

So I went down to the cafe this morning in search of something different for breakfast, rather than the usual teacakes. Today I chose beans on toast (cos that's how classy I am). Camp Eamon investigated the beans situation for me, then called Jana to make it for me (yay!).

Man, it's so like having a wife. She cooks for me, she gave me a wry smile when I said I wanted 4 slices of toast, she then took money from me and I went off to work to earn the money to give to her. And like every other wife I've ever had, her cooking skills are appalling; the beans on toast were an embarrassment.

So to the point, I decided I'd try for the casual and confident smalltalk. I managed neither casual nor confident, but was able to point out that the bread they had in today was different to the usual bread they have (I hope you're all taking notes on this, it's GOLD!). I then asked if this was the bread that they would now always have, and she said, "we have all the whole box" (her English is FANTASTIC), "but I don't know, Dave". The last word echoed through me like a thousand crystal doves; she knows my name! I didn't correct her and say, "no, slaaaaag, it's David", I just stood, watched her mess up my beans on toast, and basked in what might possibly be my finest hour.

The other day I was watching her while she burned me a couple of teacakes, and noticed that she had managed to get flour on her bum. By the way, she has an awesome bum, which is worth taking note of as I'm rarely impressed by them. I wanted to tell her this (about the flour, not the bottomly awesomeness) but didn't feel that I could do that without revealing that I'd spent the last few minutes transfixed by that general area, so I left it.

I have recently started a new game with her called "winning smile". It's a simple game really. Basically, whenever we make eye-contact with each other, I give her my nicest, "non-threatening boy" smile. This forces her to give me her nicest "I love and understand you" smile, and also reinforces in her mind my loveliness, and marriage materiality.

Materiality is a word.

Say No to 0870!!!

2007-03-22T10:31:00.000Z

So, when you dial an 0845 number you are charged local rate for the call, and when you dial an 0870 number you are charged national rate for the call. However, if you call on a mobile and have free minutes in your price plan, these numbers aren't counted towards your free minutes; they're charged separately.

Which is crap.

Now, all 0845 and 0870 numbers just point to a normal landline number. Companies just use them to look professional. This website lets you input any 0845 or 0870 phone number, and gives you the landline number that that number puts you through to. You can then phone that number instead and save money.

Do it!

Olympics 2012

2007-03-14T10:23:00.000Z

Are you excited that...
are now the official 'banking partner' of...
?

I didn't think you would be.

New £20 Note Out Today

2007-03-13T10:11:00.000Z

Excited yet?

First person to get one wins £20. The £20 they've just got.

Today I Met a Person With a Name

2007-02-24T22:17:00.000Z

So, just a week or two after meeting my un-named great niece, I now have a great-nephew. This one was spawned by a different niece, and this one has a name.

So I give you Kamarie Jaylen Smith!

Now I know what you're thinking, "Isn't Kamarie very close to Kumari, which means girl or daughter in Hindi and various other languages in the Indian subcontinent, and therefore an inappropriate name for a boy?" Well I see what your saying, but according to my niece, the answer is, "shut up, woteva", and you can't argue with such a cogent argument really.

Laughing Babies!

2007-02-24T01:31:00.000Z

Maaan!

She Eats

2007-02-22T12:58:00.000Z

Jana arrived at work at 8am this morning. By 10am she had eaten 1 teacake, a tuna baguette and a bacon, mushroom and tomato sandwich. My attention was drawn to this by the rest of the cafe staff who were aghast at her capacity for eatage.

I know what you're thinking: ew, how could she possibly eat tuna and bacon? Dirty stinking meat eater! And of course, you're right. But what's confusing is how slender she remains with this appetite.

I wonder if her love of food walks hand in hand with a love of 'the larger gentleman'. She does, after all, stare at me a lot, but that's with the same confused expression that she stares at her computer screen with. Also, when I'm aware she's staring, I tend to adopt my collection of casual, nonchalant, "looking cool" poses and facial expressions, but these are quite hard to maintain as I tend to constantly sabotage them by being awkward, chalant (?) and not particularly cool.

Today I Met a Person With No Name...

2007-02-10T20:41:00.001Z

She is my yet to be named new great-niece, the follow-up to the last one, Sapphire.

I took 3 photos of her. The first two I had the flash turned on, so it flashed right in her baby-human eyes, which she didn't look too impressed at (well, actually all she did was close her baby-human eyes), and they came out crap. This one is the best of the bunch, with her lying in her father's arms.

Wootable.

Doggies. That. Talk.

2007-02-09T19:27:00.000Z

I Find This URL Really Funny...

2007-02-02T16:27:00.000Z

http://beerpictures.net/beer-pictures/beer-pictures-t38.jpg

Now it's not the contents, more the existance of "beerpictures.net" then it having a folder within it called "beer-pictures" and then its image file to be have the words "beer-pictures" in it.

Triffic.

One to Watch - Cure for AIDS?

2007-02-02T15:54:00.000Z

Soooo, the president of Gambia; one Yahya Jammeh, has declared that he can cure AIDS through the use of herbs that are taken orally and applied to the body. In response, the rest of the world has replied with "What??? No you can't! Prove it! He's behind you!"

So at the moment the president is testing these herbs on some AIDS sufferers who are apparently putting on weight and generally improving. They are then going to be tested and he says that they will be HIV negative. Of course the world will then respond with, "Oh yeah, sure! Like we're going to believe your test results. Let us have a go!"

So basically it's all going to end up going one of two ways:

1. President Jammeh has successfully cured AIDS and the world will enter a whole new age of herbal medicine, with no more AIDS.

2. President Jammeh is going to look a bit stupid.

Now I would love him to be right and for Western medicine to have it's hat of interminable arrogance knocked off, but I'm afraid that my money's on option 2.

He also says he can cure asthma.

MindManager - Very Cool Piece of Software

2007-01-28T11:14:00.000Z

* click image for larger version.

So, my work has recently invested in a bulk license of the Mindjet Mindmanager software, and it's extremely cool. I had to use it for a think tank at a recent conference and so got to know it very well.

I'm sure you already know what Mindmaps are. Well this program lets you draw your ideas out using one, extremely quickly. If you ever need to come up with ideas for something, I'd really recommend 'procuring' a copy and giving it a go.

Shnuffle Shnumble Bumps

2007-01-26T18:13:00.000Z

With their human animal faces!

Interesting Article on Luck

2007-01-26T13:41:00.000Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3335275.stm

Note: the picture above is of a man finding something interesting, in case you questioned the relevance.

What I Did Last Week...

2007-01-22T09:51:00.000Z

Make of it what you will.

My Brother Got MARRIED Yesterday!

2007-01-21T00:46:00.000Z

Oh Jana, Will You Ever Learn?

2007-01-12T15:29:00.000Z

Well there hasn't been masses of progress on the Jana front (oo er) recently, mainly because I've been shockingly busy at work. However I've got a wee update for you here. So panic over, people!

So, I was in the cafe today and overheard someone asking Jana where Camp Eamon was (by the way, he's not publicly referred to as Camp Eamon; it's just the affectionate name that me, and you the reader, use for him), and Jana replied that he had "popped to the ladies'". Of course she meant that he had gone to the loo, but must have picked up the phrase at some point by eagerly listening into the natives' conversations and just run with it, innocently, naively and with a wry smile upon her full lips.

Before you interrupt, yes I know, she could do with someone in her life to help her not make such mistakes in the future. I'll pass on your comments.

Eamon's apparently very glad to have Jana around because he says that she's extremely fun company. Although one has got to wonder if there's more to it than that. Indeed it begs the question: is his campness an acquired idiosyncrasy, designed to make him appear non-threatening to prospective mates and potential love rivals, or does it merely reflect his inclination to "sharpen the other end of the pencil" as it were?

Anecdotally, if you search on Google for women called Jana, they're generally an attractive bunch. Note, I said generally, meaning not including the simian wrestler delegation. So if you ever sign up to a Lithuanian online dating service and want to improve your chances of meeting an attractive young lady, be sure to insist on a "Jana", and you shouldn't be disappointed.

Columbletely Mental!

2007-01-11T21:57:00.000Z

So, in 1979 "they" released a spinoff series to Columbo, all about his ever elusive wife. It was called Mrs Columbo and starred Kate Mulgrew. Yes, Captain Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager.

Absolutely mental.

Birmingham. What Does it Mean?

2007-01-08T13:34:00.000Z

For ages now I've been wondering / trying to find out what Birmingham means.

Now I know that it evolved from Brummagem, which itself came from Bromwicham or Brom Wich Ham.

Now I'm pretty sure that 'Ham' means home or homestead. The problem I'm having is with the rest of it. To investigate I looked at a few other similar placenames: West Bromwich, Bromsgrove, Castle Bromwich, Prestwich (where my ex-wife used to live). Obviously I looked these up on Wikipedia.

West Bromwich: "the little village on the heath of broom". Now I'm assuming the West part is because it's to the west of Bromwicham. Also does 'Wich' mean village or heath?

Castle Bromwich: it doesn't define the Bromwich again here. It just says that there was a wooden castle there.

Bromsgrove: may derive from the Old English Brommsgraf, meaning a small wood frequented by highway robbers. An alternative source comes from the Domesday book of 1086 where the town is mentioned as Bremesgrave. Breme may have been a famous person and grave is a fortified clearing.

So the 'Brom' is a completely different Brom to the one in Bromwich and the one in Bromwicham? Doesn't seem too likely.

Prestwich: The name Prestwich is possibly of Saxon origin, derived from Priest Wic, which can be loosely translated as the Priest's farmed land.

So here 'Wich' means farmed land. In West Bromwich it means village or heath.

All of this means that I'm not really any closer to finding out the meaning of Birmingham. Except that it's "Bush / Wood / Famous Person" + "Village / Heath" / "Farmed Land" + "Home". And the "Home" bit is only a guess based on "Graham" meaning 'homestead on a gravel outcrop.

It's pants really. No one really knows anything.

Oh and I can't find any origin of the name "Droitwich".

Metaphors & Similes

2007-01-08T11:20:00.000Z

Every year, English teachers from across the United States can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some of last year's:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look; the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Guess! Who's! Back!

2007-01-04T10:04:00.000Z

I'll give you a clue. She's blonde, 5'8'' and Lithuanian!

No, it's not Clover Zatzman, world-renowned Lithuanian Ice-Skater. It's Jana, cafe temp-worker extraordinaire!

So, she looked particularly smokin' this morning. Also, this time both her and her mother are here, which means that:

a) she got to see how much her mum likes me (went well)

b) I got to see them bicker in Lithuanian like mother and daughter.

If you don't know what Lithuanian sounds like, think Russian.

Anyway, the rumours are true; she does burn every toasted tea-cake she gets her hands on. Although I suspect that she probably just likes them well done, and so they are actually cooked to her subjective perfection. As it turns out I like my teacakes very well done; otherwise they're kind of flavourless, so I guess it's just more proof that we're meant to be as one.

I'm not sure how long she's going to be around for. I may ask in a very subtle way if the opportunity arises. If it's for more than just today then stay posted for updates.

Blogger Poker Tour Final Tonight

2006-12-23T13:37:00.000Z

Hey peepsicles!

So is everyone ready to play in the Blogger Poker Tour grand final tonight? Oh no, silly me, you didn't qualify did you? (unless of course you're one of the other 19 people who did)

Well I hope you're all going to be supporting me tonight, whether be it by logging into poker.com and watching me play, joining in on the forum at the BPT site, or just by sparing me a few thoughts as you go about your evening's business.

Am I nervous? Yes. Do I feel ready? No. I was last to register, and would have missed it if Paul hadn't mentioned it today.

The prizes? Well 1st place is a trip to Australia to play in the Aussie Millions poker tournament. Then there's an 8 foot poker table up for grabs, a 6 foot poker table, a bunch of iPod nanos, some poker chips and finally some tickets to enter some other online poker tournaments.

I'll be happy with at least an iPod, but if I get too nervous then I just go all in on every hand and hope for the best. (not really)

Tune in, 8pm tonight (UK time).

Giving Up Wheat

2006-12-19T10:55:00.000Z

So for a while now I've known that I'm going to have to give up wheat.

Last year at work I used to start the day with a large latte and 2 toasted tea-cakes everyday. Within an hour of consuming them I would start to feel extremely tired, crotchety and just generally crap. At the time I couldn't tell if it was the dairy that was doing it or the wheat. A year on and I've worked out that, without a sheep-shimmering shadow of a doubt, it is the wheat.

Or possibly gluten.

Also nowadays the effect is gradually worsening. Whenever I eat bread now, I can feel a horrible weight on my body, I have the yawny, nose-running tiredness, and it's started to feel like my whole body is made of wood. And the wood is cracking like a dead tree.

But giving up wheat! That would involve never eating pasta again, or bread, or tea-cakes, or cakes or biscuits or most breakfast cereals. And don't suggest the wheat-free alternatives to me, cos they are SUSPICIOUS! I've had the wheat-free bread and it is OK as long as you only eat it as toast.

Having said the above, I think for the time being that I'm only going to give up bread. I can't say I've noticed any actual reaction to pasta, which might add weight to my allergy actually being to gluten. Not that I understand such things. What is gluten? Is it in pasta? Why does it make me think of someone sticking their hand in a barrel full of hot toffee and pulling it out with all the toffee hanging off it like mozzerella cheese?

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm reading Allen Carr's book "The Easyweigh to Lose Weight" which is proving to be most excellent so far. One of it's major emphasises is on cutting down on food that has been overly tampered with by man, and I think that bread comes into this category, so I feel doubly good about cutting it out.

Now I just need to maintain the mindset that I'm not being deprived of all the bready goodness. Rather I'm being provided with the joyous wonder of healthy, non-tired feelingness, and weighty-losing.

Allen Carr - Who'da Thunk It?

2006-12-13T11:31:00.000Z

So, having smoked for most of this year, after having quit smoking for 4 years, I decided I really really needed to quit.

Those of you who know me will know that I have an unusually obsessive approach to smoking (and other things). For example...

I can only smoke Benson & Hedges cigarettes, and only those that are sold in the UK, not the foreign made duty-free ones.
I can only smoke with a drink. This can't be water, and is preferably not orange juice, unless it's watered down.
I need the cigarettes I smoke to be no more than a few hours old. That is the age since the cigarette packet was opened, as they begin to age and go stale immediately. It was about 10 years ago that the age of the cigarettes became important to me. 8 hours old was the original age limit, then it was reduced to 4, and nowadays it's around the 2 hour mark, 3 at a push.

Now, a lot of people would think that, if push came to shove (stupid expression), I'd smoke really old cigarettes, or a different brand, or without a drink, but this just isn't true. This makes me quite a unique smoker, I believe. I think the problem is that I'm not much of a fan of the taste of cigarettes, and it's only Fresh Benson (which is also my rapper name) that has a purity that makes them almost flavourless.

Anyway, to the point. As I don't smoke cigarettes that are more than a couple of hours old, this has meant that I have to buy 3 packets of 10 Benson a day. I'd try and not smoke until mid to late morning. I'd then smoke a packet from, say, 11am through to mid-afternoon, I'd open another one when I got home from work, and a final one for the evening. These cos approximately £2.70 a packet. Now add to this the cost of a drink every time I'd go out for a cigarette (1 can of coke = 2 cigarettes), and that's an extra couple of quid a day. Basically it all adds up to at least £10 a day; that's at least £300 a month.

£300 a month I don't have.

£300 a month for the last 10 months.

That's £3,000.

That's £3,000 I didn't have, and don't have. Hence the need to quit before Dr Trouble diagnoses me with doom disease.

I tried to quit repeatedly over the summer, but kept returning to the "supportive crutch" of my cigarettes. I've known for a while, however, that I have to give up imminently. So, on the advice of my friend Brian I went out and bought 'Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking'. Brian assured me that this is awesome and worked for him. After buying it I also heard that it worked for my Brother-in-law too. I also delved onto the web, which I'd previously avoided due to not wanting to hear inevitable bad reviews about the book, and found that people were absolutely raving about it.

After reading about a chapter I quit smoking. The very next paragraph I were to read after quitting told me that I shouldn't try and give up until I'd finished reading the book. Bugger. Fortunately it did say that if I'd already quit then I shouldn't take up smoking again just for the sake of it, so I remained abstentive.

The book was fantastic. I'm a great believer that, with most things in life, there are no quick-fix solutions, but this book really takes apart the reasons behind why we smoke, what perpetuates it, and how to combat the fear and withdrawal. And it does this in such a positive and optimistic way, and really teaches to you tackle quitting with self-belief, courage, fearlessness and joy.

OK, so I don't agree with every single word he says, but I agree with at least 95% of it, and that 95% is so so right that his, in my opinion, slightly awry opinions on a few things really don't matter.

So I haven't smoked for 9 days now, and am not struggling with it in the slightest. I know I won't smoke again, yet I don't feel the dangerous complacency that it's easy to feel when you've quit for a bit. This is mainly because the book really hammers home the danger of smoking even one cigarette.

So, yay. I can now afford to live again. I can continue to tackle my spending addiction issues, without haemorraging £300 a month into the ether, which to be honest was making my spending no more than £5 a day plan look a little laughable. Also I can now tackle the controlling of my spending using several elements of the approach I used to quit smoking; namely a positive pro-active approach that doesn't involve hiding from the issue, and removes any fears associated with not spending. etc.

I've also bought Allen Carr's Easyweigh to Lose Weight, which will hopefully help me shed the 'few pounds' that I've put on since 1999. I'll let you know if it's any good, or if it turns out to be the weak sequel to the classic original.

Anyway, I'll shut up now before I get too evangelical. Except to say that Allen Carr died 2 weeks ago today, ironically of lung cancer. Apparently this wasn't because of his 33 years of smoking, but rather was caused by him spending the last few decades spending most of his time with smokers helping them quit.

Word to Your Mother

2006-11-28T11:30:00.000Z

So I was chatting with my future mother-in-law earlier, Jana's mother, and strangely enough the conversation turned to her daughter.

I pointed out how nice her daughter was, while wanting to sidestep commenting directly about her flowing good looks, and she agreed that she is nice, and felt it important to point out that she too was nice at her age.

She then went on to explain that Jana is in the "age of the monkey", which is followed by the "age of the horse", then the "age of dog" which is what she is in now. Finally you end up back at the "age of the monkey". Or at least that's what old people say, apparently.

Now, be honest with me here, am I flogging a dead horse? Or perhaps a dog or a monkey?

To clarify, or at least to make as clear as her half-English, half-charades explanation, monkeys merely run around playing with no responsilibities, horses work and work and work, dogs protect what they've got.

I'll have to get her to recount that at the wedding, with a powerpoint presentation, some contemporary dance artists, and a flute.

My Dream Last Night

2006-11-27T11:14:00.000Z

OK, so last night (well, about 4 or 5am this morning) I had a dream. For some reason I was with my ex-wife and we were about to "get it on". She took off her clothes and on her body was a child's drawing of a house (like the one above, but without the person). Under the house was a letter to my mother, but I can't remember what it said.

I then woke up in a cold sweat.

Interpretations on a postcard please.

That Showed THEM

2006-11-23T13:02:00.000Z

So I got a call from a debt collection agency this morning. I'd received a call from them on Tuesday night, but after two seconds my uncharged cordless phone gave out, which must have looked suspicious. Then they rang again last night and their phone appeared to cut out. They must really think I'm avoiding them.

I also received a letter from them saying that they were assigned with collecting a debt of £2,090.86 on behalf of CitiFinancial.

Now this credit card was cleared 2 and a half years ago, so it feels really nice to be on the side of all things good and just. When the woman asked if I was indeed the person on the letter, and if it was a convenient time to talk, naturally I agreed.

However, the first thing she wanted to know was my date of birth. Now, call me beligerent if you will, but after several phone calls from dodgy companies in my life, I've learned not to give out any personal information over the phone. OK, so you could argue that this woman wasn't a cold caller, but you can't be too sure in this current climate of elaborate cons! So the conversation went thus...

Me "I'm not willing to give out personal information over the phone."

Her "I need to verify that you are who you say you are."

Me "Well I don't know if you are who you say you are, and so don't want to give my date of birth to a stranger."

Her "Well I've got it here in front of me."

Me "So why don't you give it to me and I'll tell you if it's right."

Her "I can't, because of data protection."

Me "Well I'm not willing to give you any information."

Her "Then we won't be able to continue this discussion by phone"

Me "OK, we'll have to do it in writing then."

Her "OK, thank you. Bye."

Pretty beligerent I guess.

Now what I would have liked to have said, had the conversation continued, and had I thought quickly enough would have been:

"But how can we continue this conversation by letter? If I write to you then I won't give you my date of birth in the letter, so you won't know that it's from me. And if you're willing to accept that my writing to you confirms that I received your letter, which therefore confirms that I am me, then why don't you confirm my identity now by checking some details on the letter with me, as I have it right here. But of course you can't do that as I could be some guy who's moved into the flat that used to belong to the person you're after. Which again would make written correspondence completely nonsecure."

I think you'll agree that they'd be in a quandry.

Still, removing a debt collection agency's strongest intimidation tactic (constant phone calls) is a bonus. I recommend it to all. Eventually I'll get round to proving to them that I owe them nothing. If they're lucky.

Women, eh?

2006-11-21T12:27:00.000Z

So first there was Someone, then there was French-Looking Girl, and now Lithuanian Girl.

They're all big abandoners! Maybe I should have listened to my sister when she said that they're all not good enough for me. Oh and "dirty" too.

Or maybe she's mental. It's so hard to tell.

Or maybe I'm at fault for stalking work women from a distance, photographing them and writing about them on my blog? No, that can't be it.

So confusing!

Best. Graffiti. Ever.

2006-11-21T12:18:00.000Z

If you want to see it for yourself, it's on a black metal box at the bottom of the Pallasades ramp in Birmingham.

She's Gone!

2006-11-20T10:07:00.001Z

And so, as quickly as she appears, she leaves.

But, I was able to get a little more background on her. Her name is Jana (pronounced Jana as in the French 'J' sound), which is an extremely cool name. She is the daughter of the other, older Lithuanian woman who works in the cafe (I did wonder!), and was standing in for her while she was off. Therefore she will be back from time to time to cover for her mum, whom I'm now tempted to push down the stairs in order to put her out of commission for a while so Jana comes back! It'll be something to tell the grandkids!

Now her mum seems to really like me, so I might just turn up the volume on the lovable nice boy act (it's not an act), and weedle my way into their family that way.

But for now work's going to be that much more "colourless and drab that she's gone." :(

By the way, I'm pretty sure that I'm the only guy in the building who really appreciated her. According to camp Eamon, who runs the cafe, she's an extremely lovely and likeable girl. And I kind of suspected as much, while all the other blokes were just like "I'd do her, would you?".

Jana Tomlinson. Hmmm, sounds a little too much like my sister's name. Maybe I'll be all "modern" and take her surname, which I've now decided is probably Flobanovic.

Of course, if anything did happen between me and her, I'd have to immediately delete all of these posts, for fear of their destructive ability. So, if you're reading this blog many years from now (in the World of Tomorrow!), you can pretty much be sure that we never got together. Unless it was for a brief moment before my unexpected death, so I didn't have time to delete these cos I was too busy savouring our one lingering kiss as I slipped into blackness.

Hello Blogger Poker Tour People!

2006-11-19T12:22:00.000Z

So, I won event 5 of the Blogger Poker Tour last night. Above you'll find a picture I found when Googling for the word "winner".

As this will no doubt result in a few people randomly clicking on my blog, I thought I should do a more appropriate post than my previous one about me stalking a girl at my work!

Now, when I go in on Monday, with a print out of the Iyatoni takes down BPT S2 Event 5! article, and casually drop it on the floor next to her so she has to pick it up and read it (I'll supply a translation into Lithuanian), she is sure to crumble before me!

Seize the day, etc.

She's Lithuanian!

2006-11-17T12:59:00.000Z

Yep, I blurted that question out good and proper! Just after I took the above surreptious picture of her, on the third attempt.

I think I might have come across suspicious as I loitered around the cafe. I told her I was "just looking", which was technically 100% true. I then got away with buying a totally plausible bottle of cherry coke.

Now, the next step?

I think I might go with "I've got the 3 minute full-length version of the Rainbow theme tune on my minidisc player. Can you handle that? If the answer's 'yes' then maybe we have a future together."

Or I might try and utilise my burgeoning knowledge of Lithuania on her - "That Valdas Adamkus, eh? Now there's a president who's largely ceremonial with functions of overseeing foreign affairs and national security policy..."

Congratulations Graybone

2006-11-17T12:57:00.000Z

Graybone McUtah, has today successfully procured a new job as a User Interface Engineer.

To celebrate, here's a picture of another UIE that I found on Google: