Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Word to Your Mother

So I was chatting with my future mother-in-law earlier, Jana's mother, and strangely enough the conversation turned to her daughter.

I pointed out how nice her daughter was, while wanting to sidestep commenting directly about her flowing good looks, and she agreed that she is nice, and felt it important to point out that she too was nice at her age.

She then went on to explain that Jana is in the "age of the monkey", which is followed by the "age of the horse", then the "age of dog" which is what she is in now. Finally you end up back at the "age of the monkey". Or at least that's what old people say, apparently.

Now, be honest with me here, am I flogging a dead horse? Or perhaps a dog or a monkey?

To clarify, or at least to make as clear as her half-English, half-charades explanation, monkeys merely run around playing with no responsilibities, horses work and work and work, dogs protect what they've got.

I'll have to get her to recount that at the wedding, with a powerpoint presentation, some contemporary dance artists, and a flute.

Monday, November 27, 2006

My Dream Last Night

OK, so last night (well, about 4 or 5am this morning) I had a dream. For some reason I was with my ex-wife and we were about to "get it on". She took off her clothes and on her body was a child's drawing of a house (like the one above, but without the person). Under the house was a letter to my mother, but I can't remember what it said.

I then woke up in a cold sweat.

Interpretations on a postcard please.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

That Showed THEM

So I got a call from a debt collection agency this morning. I'd received a call from them on Tuesday night, but after two seconds my uncharged cordless phone gave out, which must have looked suspicious. Then they rang again last night and their phone appeared to cut out. They must really think I'm avoiding them.

I also received a letter from them saying that they were assigned with collecting a debt of £2,090.86 on behalf of CitiFinancial.

Now this credit card was cleared 2 and a half years ago, so it feels really nice to be on the side of all things good and just. When the woman asked if I was indeed the person on the letter, and if it was a convenient time to talk, naturally I agreed.

However, the first thing she wanted to know was my date of birth. Now, call me beligerent if you will, but after several phone calls from dodgy companies in my life, I've learned not to give out any personal information over the phone. OK, so you could argue that this woman wasn't a cold caller, but you can't be too sure in this current climate of elaborate cons! So the conversation went thus...

Me "I'm not willing to give out personal information over the phone."

Her "I need to verify that you are who you say you are."

Me "Well I don't know if you are who you say you are, and so don't want to give my date of birth to a stranger."

Her "Well I've got it here in front of me."

Me "So why don't you give it to me and I'll tell you if it's right."

Her "I can't, because of data protection."

Me "Well I'm not willing to give you any information."

Her "Then we won't be able to continue this discussion by phone"

Me "OK, we'll have to do it in writing then."

Her "OK, thank you. Bye."

Pretty beligerent I guess.

Now what I would have liked to have said, had the conversation continued, and had I thought quickly enough would have been:

"But how can we continue this conversation by letter? If I write to you then I won't give you my date of birth in the letter, so you won't know that it's from me. And if you're willing to accept that my writing to you confirms that I received your letter, which therefore confirms that I am me, then why don't you confirm my identity now by checking some details on the letter with me, as I have it right here. But of course you can't do that as I could be some guy who's moved into the flat that used to belong to the person you're after. Which again would make written correspondence completely nonsecure."

I think you'll agree that they'd be in a quandry.

Still, removing a debt collection agency's strongest intimidation tactic (constant phone calls) is a bonus. I recommend it to all. Eventually I'll get round to proving to them that I owe them nothing. If they're lucky.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Women, eh?

So first there was Someone, then there was French-Looking Girl, and now Lithuanian Girl.

They're all big abandoners! Maybe I should have listened to my sister when she said that they're all not good enough for me. Oh and "dirty" too.

Or maybe she's mental. It's so hard to tell.

Or maybe I'm at fault for stalking work women from a distance, photographing them and writing about them on my blog? No, that can't be it.

So confusing!

Best. Graffiti. Ever.

If you want to see it for yourself, it's on a black metal box at the bottom of the Pallasades ramp in Birmingham.

Monday, November 20, 2006

She's Gone!

And so, as quickly as she appears, she leaves.

But, I was able to get a little more background on her. Her name is Jana (pronounced Jana as in the French 'J' sound), which is an extremely cool name. She is the daughter of the other, older Lithuanian woman who works in the cafe (I did wonder!), and was standing in for her while she was off. Therefore she will be back from time to time to cover for her mum, whom I'm now tempted to push down the stairs in order to put her out of commission for a while so Jana comes back! It'll be something to tell the grandkids!

Now her mum seems to really like me, so I might just turn up the volume on the lovable nice boy act (it's not an act), and weedle my way into their family that way.

But for now work's going to be that much more "colourless and drab that she's gone." :(

By the way, I'm pretty sure that I'm the only guy in the building who really appreciated her. According to camp Eamon, who runs the cafe, she's an extremely lovely and likeable girl. And I kind of suspected as much, while all the other blokes were just like "I'd do her, would you?".

Jana Tomlinson. Hmmm, sounds a little too much like my sister's name. Maybe I'll be all "modern" and take her surname, which I've now decided is probably Flobanovic.

Of course, if anything did happen between me and her, I'd have to immediately delete all of these posts, for fear of their destructive ability. So, if you're reading this blog many years from now (in the World of Tomorrow!), you can pretty much be sure that we never got together. Unless it was for a brief moment before my unexpected death, so I didn't have time to delete these cos I was too busy savouring our one lingering kiss as I slipped into blackness.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Hello Blogger Poker Tour People!

So, I won event 5 of the Blogger Poker Tour last night. Above you'll find a picture I found when Googling for the word "winner".

As this will no doubt result in a few people randomly clicking on my blog, I thought I should do a more appropriate post than my previous one about me stalking a girl at my work!

Now, when I go in on Monday, with a print out of the Iyatoni takes down BPT S2 Event 5! article, and casually drop it on the floor next to her so she has to pick it up and read it (I'll supply a translation into Lithuanian), she is sure to crumble before me!

Seize the day, etc.

Friday, November 17, 2006

She's Lithuanian!

Yep, I blurted that question out good and proper! Just after I took the above surreptious picture of her, on the third attempt.

I think I might have come across suspicious as I loitered around the cafe. I told her I was "just looking", which was technically 100% true. I then got away with buying a totally plausible bottle of cherry coke.

Now, the next step?

I think I might go with "I've got the 3 minute full-length version of the Rainbow theme tune on my minidisc player. Can you handle that? If the answer's 'yes' then maybe we have a future together."

Or I might try and utilise my burgeoning knowledge of Lithuania on her - "That Valdas Adamkus, eh? Now there's a president who's largely ceremonial with functions of overseeing foreign affairs and national security policy..."

Congratulations Graybone

Graybone McUtah, has today successfully procured a new job as a User Interface Engineer.

To celebrate, here's a picture of another UIE that I found on Google:


Right, so we've got a new girl, a special new girl, working in the cafe in our office building. Now, I'm pretty sure that I saw her first, and I was definitely the first to 'bagsy' her, albeit in my mind.

Now, news of her specialness (and I mean specialness) has spread throughout the building, and now we've got scores of middle-aged men talking about her, guessing at her age (21? 22? 25?), and debating whether she's English, as she barely speaks.

Also, they're queuing up in their droves to buy more café lattes, bacon sandwiches and toasted teacakes than they've bought all year. Which is a little strange considering she burns every teacake she toasts, but maybe that appeals to the nurturing father in them.

Anyway, as I said, I bagsied her first, and have a good mind to go down there and stamp my claim on her, somehow. Or maybe I'll go down and get a photo of her with my phone! I could try the "can I get a picture of you for my special needs friend?". It might work.

She looks great in black.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The German Thing is Back

Every year, right outside my work, they erect the German Christmas Market, or whatever it's called. It's a horrendously overpriced bunch of stalls that stays there for weeks selling German beer, wine, meat products, wooden weird stuff and crepes (£3-£4 each, for a pancake!!!!!).

I, of course, will be boycotting it this year, like every year. But like every year as soon as payday hits I'll "treat" myself to a lemon and sugar crepe, an Advocaat crepe and some £4 fried chips and mushrooms. And then feel bad.

They're not even all that nice either...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


This is the new theme tune to my life.

Go to www.leekspin.com.

After, and only after, you've check it out there, you can see the song performed live by the original band.

Then you can get the mp3 for it here!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Strangely Drawn

Jimjeroo, who some of you will know, is the world's greatest artist, and as such I'm starting a "make sure he's appreciated while he's still with us in his bodily form" campaign.

If you want to be a part of it, all you need to do is visit Strangely Drawn and buy one of his fantabulous and unique paintings! It's that simple!

Examples of his fine work are:

Of course they're all already sold, but there's plenty more on offer, AND you can request a picture of anything you want in the whole wide world from him and he'll whip it up in a jiffy.

Obviously his paintings come with a "Artwork as viewed on your monitor may not match colors in actual art" disclaimer, but don't let that worry you.

At the very least visit his site and go "ooh, that's nice, and so cheap too!" at his pictures, and video, and stuff.

Monday, November 13, 2006


I took this photo t'other week at Haydock Racecourse. On an otherwise perfectly clear day, this is the only cloud visible in an otherwise perfectly clear sky. It hangs pointedly over the factory / power station / whatever below it in the picture; the chimneys exhaling upwards their morbid black smoke of death.

It's a shocking indictment on something or other, I'm sure you'll agree.