Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Tuesday Morning at 9.29 He Was Hard at Work

I'm listening to The Beatles. It's wonderful.

I've just heard a yawn half way through I'm Only Sleeping that I've never heard before - 2 mins, 0 seconds.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

More Staggering Flaws in Firefox!

If you select all of the text in the URL bar in Firefox (at least in version 1.5 beta) and hit CTRL-C, often (maybe always!) the address doesn't copy!

You have to do a "right-click" and "select 'copy' from the menu" thing instead, which is really frustrating when you're working at speed, especially when you repeatedly think it's going to work and keep pasting. Even more especially when you're chatting to someone on the internet and keep pasting and sending the same piece of random text that happens to be in the clipboard.

They need to sort themselves out.

Dave, Paul & Bob - Radioshow 13

Getting jiggy wid it?

If so, or if not, I would recommend that you download our latest, and possibly one of the greatest, radio shows.

All the usual features are there:

* Dave's Definitive History of Dogs
* Paul on the Cutting Edge of Political Satire
* The Mystery Theme Tune Extravaganza
* A Bit of the Beatles
* Dave and Paul's Agony Slot (this week with "the female perspective")
* The Quiz that's Doing Something to the Nation

Hop to it, child!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Fundamental Flaw in Firefox!

If you use MSN Web Messenger and right-click repeatedly in the input box, Firefox crashes.

What does this mean?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


OK, so there's this picture called 'The First Harvest in the Wilderness" by Asher Durand, 1855. In fact, here it is:

Now I want this picture. I want it either in poster size or preferably as a high quality framed canvas transfer. But can you buy it? Anywhere?

No, you can't. Not even from the Brooklyn Museum of Art in New York, which incidentally I'm going to visit very soon as part of my passionately desired trip to the Big Apple.

Of course, if anyone's able to track down a quality print of this they'll win a thr'penny bit and a slice of Mrs Grimshaw's Dubbin and Rye cake.


Young at heart, yet what a start; skint before his time
All spent away, before the day
It was his only crime

How come he's got none now?
How come he's got no more?

Young at heart, yet not a chance to be affluent at all
He bought some chips (poker)
He bought some cards
Didn't he know? He shouldn't have bought them at all

How come he's got none now?
How come he's got no more?
When all he wanted to do when he got paid was to...

(OK, I can't think of what to put for the last few words.)

Friday, September 16, 2005

Advice Please

OK, so after three years of paying off the last one I have the opportunity to select myself a new PC through my work incentive scheme.

I have a lot of choices available to me. One of which is a Home Media System with a 32" LCD display.

Anyway, you can peruse the options here. But remember, the one thing not to factor in is price. Whichever one I get won't cost me more than the amount I've been paying for the last three years for the laptop that I then went on to sell to Heather so I could afford to go to India last year.

Let me know which one to get. ALso, other null options are "you can't afford a new PC" and "you don't need a new PC", OK? They don't pander to the need, chumps.

Sex-Obsessed BBC (reprise)

The story continues...

So, the BBC website does an article on Head Girls at various girls' schools and how music companies are targeting them as influential people and so are sending them CDs and posters and stuff of new bands etc.

Well they interviewed a whole bunch of them, and probably took loads of pictures. But which picture did they choose as the headline picture for the article:

Only obviously the most attractive girl in the whole of Nottinghamshire. Ker! I'd be offended if, you know...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

New Widow Anyone?

So, yeah, Scottish Widows have replaced their Widow person who appears in all of their adverts with a new younger model - Hayley Hunt, aged 22. You can expect her to hit your screen at some point in the first quarter of next year.

However she should be appearing in magazines and Lloyds TSB branches well before then.

I met her last week and can vouch that she's great. She's much more twirly and flouncy than the previous two widows, shows cleavage (which the others didn't) and has a cloak lined with red (as you can see). I didn't notice the cleavage thing; a female colleague did. I was busy noticing how her skirt under the cloak seemed to be pretty none-existant!

I acknowledge that, if I didn't work for said company and hadn't met her last week, that this would be a bit of a strange post. As it stands however, it couldn't be more normal / mundane / run-of-the-mill.

Monday, September 12, 2005

So, It's Back to College For Me

Yep, today I rejoin my counselling course, and I'm extremely nervous. I ended up not finishing last year as I found myself banging my head against the wall with all the essays and stuff. So now I'm starting again, but instead of starting at the beginning of the year I'm joining the April 2005 - April 2006 group partway through their year.

I was supposed to be there last Monday but I kind of forgot to turn up. I also changed my mobile number so didn't receive their message, and lost the letter telling me to pay for the course and so didn't pay for it.

I think they thought I was dead, or something.

So tonight I'll be joining an already established group who've known each other for several months. Now I know that's not usually a big deal, but on a counselling course you really really get to know each other well, so those missing months will make a hell of a difference!

Radioshow 11

Here's the latest radio show people.

This week Paul did the show all on his lonesome so obviously it misses the magical spark that is I. Fortunately I did phone in a couple of times, and in fact you might call this radio show 'phone-in city' if you were that way inclined.

So check it. Check it now.

Dave (with Introductions from Paul) - Radioshow 11

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You...


So I went to this conference yesterday and didn't just see her there. Instead I spent the entire 7 1/2 hours with her.

When I arrived I saw someone who works in her office who grabbed me to say hello and do the kiss on the cheek thing she always does. As we were chatting I became aware of a blonde pony-tailed apparition out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to look, indeed she had joined us. I then took this opportunity to say to them both, "hey, I'll hang out with you two as I don't know many other people here". They thought that was cool.

So I was able to maintain full breeziness for the whole day, balancing hanging out with her with acting like it wasn't big deal that I was hanging out with her. I was able to maintain full breeziness by not once joining her outside while she smoked. How smooth am I???

Once we entered the actual conference there was four of us in our little group as we'd been joined by a new guy on the graduate programme who now works in her office. As we made our way to our chairs it took a lot of effort to walk casually while also making sure that I absolutely definitely ended up sitting next to her.

I know what you want to know, however - what were the highlights of the day? OK, they were:

* Her not laughing at any of the obvious jokes from the speakers, but bursting into fits of giggles at inappropriate moments.

* In the last hour session they were doing a presentation on lots of potential magazine adverts - she kept nudging me to point out the spelling mistakes. Of course I'd noticed every single one too. So cool.

* Trying to keep her warm because the conference building was freezing and she hadn't brought a top that was any more practical than the one you can see in the photo.

* When she proposed to me.

* Her insisting that I go up to a stand and get a 'goody bag' because she didn't want to be the only one walking around with one (apart from the other woman from her office). So I got one, which basically just contains two children's money boxes. Wait a minute, so I've got two money boxes for kids and she's got two money boxes for kids. How many children is she wanting us to have?!

OK, one of the above didn't actually happen.

So there, how cool is that?

Is Spam Getting More Entertaining?

Our goods with the serial number and logos will please all customers. They
are wonderful watches with wonderful looks.
Do you prefer white gold or 18kt gold? We have them all for you to select.
Are they fraternal twins? Our Rollexes look great and are sold at
non-expensive tags.
Check these lovely watches with sapphire crystal surface, made from
stainless steel.
Browse our category for battery & quartz, auto-operating & winding, winding
and non-winding items.
When you realize how affordable the prices are, you will be, wanting more
than 2.


human happiness and an immortal soul. "You are not afraid of the called, was lying there a corpse. They did not scream, as if they knew.

Monday, September 05, 2005

So I Have to Work This Wednesday

After just one Wednesday off I now have to work this one. However, I think I'll cope somehow as the reason I have to work is because I'm attending a conference, along with 500 other people from across the country, including .....


... so I'm sure you'll agree that this is a reason to be cheerful. This will be my opportunity to see if the magic spell she cast holds up to a second exposure.

Of course I can't get too excited. After all, it's not a day of frolicking through fields and laughing like some kind of montage set to music. Rather it's sitting on our bums with a clipboard discussing the rebranding of a part of our company and critical illness insurance. But still ... owts better than nowt.

So if anyone has any advice as to how to, within the restricting confines of a work-related conference, a person can subtly convince a person that the plebby guy she's with at the moment isn't the right person for her, let me know.

Oh, and I don't have to work on Thursday, so that balance in the universe is retained.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

New Radioshows!


So the following are mine and Paul's radio shows from last Saturday (28th August) and today (3rd September.

Radio Show 9 - Dave and Paul.

Radio Show 10 - Dave, Paul, Bob and James.

Check 'em out people!

Lump and a Mullet - So Close to Being Lost!

Whew, that was close!

Many of you will remember the Lump and a Mullet video that Paul, Graham and I made back in the heady summer of 2003.

Well I thought for a while that it had been lost for good as everyone I knew who had it no longer had it, and every copy I had on CD or DVD was either lost or broken. A harrowing few weeks that was I tell you.

Fortunately however, Peter, brother of old ex-wife and recently returned from an extended holiday down under had retained a copy of the video, as had his girlfriend. So I am presenting here, partly through an over-inflated sense of pride over our work (which I think is a little misplaced considering that I just come across as mentally ill on it) but also because the further this video is spread, the less likely it will get lost for good.

So here it is, in glorious slightly-red-tinted technicolour.

Dave & Paul - Lump and a Mullet
(with Filmography and morph effect by Graham).

With a lump and a mullet he was gone, he was gone
With a lump and a mullet he was gone
Where did he go? We shall never know
With a lump and a mullet he was gone

“I was nowhere near him at the time”, said the sheep
“I was nowhere near him at the time”.
Nowhere (nowhere)
Nowhere (nowhere)
I was nowhere near him at the time

“Can you prove you were nowhere near him?”
“I can prove I was nowhere near him.”
“How can you prove you were nowhere near him?”
“I was nowhere near him at the time.”

With a lump and a mullet he was gone, he was gone
With a lump and a mullet he was gone
Where did he go, we shall never know
With a lump and a mullet he was gone

“I cannot afford a man of law”, said the sheep
“I can’t afford a man of the law
I’ll defend myself till the end”, said the sheep
“And you’d doubt this animal no more.”


“Your argument is flawed Mr Sheep”, said the Judge
“To me it seems a little untrue.
If you were nowhere near him at the time”, said the Judge
“Then why did the cow say it was you.”

Into the courtroom burst the cow…
And the sound of chatting chickens filled the room
The judge banged his gavel
Shouted “Quiet farmyard rabble”
And the Cow cried “Judge I spoke too soon”

With a lump and a mullet he was gone, he was gone
With a lump and a mullet he was gone
Where did he go, we shall never know
With a lump and a mullet he was gone

“What do you mean Mr Cow, by your words” said the judge
“What I spoke before was untrue.
A wolf disguised with sheep’s clothing
Looked my sheep friend just like you.”

“I said I was nowhere near him”, said the sheep.
“I have proved I was nowhere near him.
Nowhere (nowhere)
Nowhere (nowhere)
I was nowhere near him at the time”

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Dave's Lame Movie Reviews - Crash

As mentioned in my last post I went to the cinema last night with Yosemite Bobo Fetido and saw the film Crash.

I assumed it would be one of those 'clever' films where people's seemingly unconnected lives become linked through some interestingly intricate plot. It kind of wasn't that, but it also kind of was.

As I see it the film has two powerful themes. The obvious one - racism and race relations is fantastically well delivered, with the just the appropriate level of discomfort that one should feel around this confusing and contradictory area.

Something else the film does however, which is of particular interest to me, is to show every character in a positive and a negative light at different times. For example (spoiler!!!) the police officer who molests a woman in front of her husband but then later on risks his life to save the same woman's life when she rolls her car.

Anyway, I would really recommend it to anyone. It's fantastically well acted, although I'm not sure that Sandra Bullock should get top billing on it as she's not exactly a stand-out character.

Anyway, go see it!

Housesitting (Aaargh)

Soooo for the last fortnight I've been housesitting for the Heather, the Leon and the Kimberley. It's been nice having two floors to live in for a while, and to have a choice of beds, and to have cats around, and two PCs and a kitchen table and stuff, but there has been jip.

First off, they've got a lovely friendlyish cat called Charlie who likes nothing more than being grabbed and hugged ang hugged and hugged, and even seems to like dancing with me to The Beatles and The Kinks. However, they've also got an evil maniac cat called Millie, who looks much like this who likes nothing more than to act extremely and rub all over you, then instantly change it's mind and violently attack you.

Anyway, said evil cat no longer lets me sleep in Heather and Leon's bed, so I'm having to sleep in Kim's bed. Of course I could do something about this but the problem is as follows:

* Millie insists on sleeping in Heather and Leon's bed.

* If I'm in the bed she hisses and growls (yes growls!) at me.

* If I lock her out of the bedroom she scratches and whines all night at the door.

* If I lock her in the living room downstairs (as recommended by Heather) she scratches at that door all night, which isn't a problem, but also poos and wees everywhere! I've de-pooed the room once, but there is a lingering smell of evil in the air that I'm going to have to explain to the Heather on her return.

OK, so let's called evil-psycho-cat Problem Number 1. Here comes Problem Number 2:

OK, so Kim's got fish - quite a few of them in fact - in a plastic fishtank in her room, with a clever lid to prevent Charlie Miawington and Evil McPsychocat from getting to them. There's one huge fish and half a dozen dinky ones.

Now the fish are being fed by some big holiday food-block that the guys put in there before they went away. They just asked me to put an oxygen tablet in there 2 or 3 times while they're away.

This I did.

However, as I put the most recent of these in the tank on Saturday there was a gap of 4 days before I investigated the tank again on Wednesday. This was when I found the biggest fish doing the sideways floaty dance on top of the water. That is, it was dead. Now I know I should have taken it out there and then but it looked a bit freaky with it's one glaring eye, and it's open mouth seemed to be saying "You! You did this!" So I left it, though with a plan to come back later.

Fortunately I then went out to play Poker with Bob and Paul and on mentioning my predicament to Bob she offered to retrieve the dead fish for me. How could I say no? So after going to the cinema with her to watch Crash she dropped me back in Yardley Wood and came in and did it for me. I think it was a nastier process than she had anticipated, but it's now in the bin the back garden.

However!!! The fishtank is now a rather dodgy, that being totally cloudy, and has a weird smell. Now if I think about this too much it worries me, so I'm hoping that the remaining fish are still alive by the time they all get back from their holiday tomorrow.

Problem Number 3

So it was my first evening at their house and I'd settled down in their loft to watch a few old episodes of Friends. Now Heather and Leon have a skylight in their loft and as it was extremely hot and stuffy in there I opened it as far at it would go. If I remember correctly I actually propped it open with a tin of tomatoes. I also remember thinking "I don't know why they don't just leave this skylight open all the time. It's really nice. I can't see why they wouldn't."

Anyway I eventually made it to bed after some terrific Friends episodes and the following morning I awoke all relaxed and chilled and lay in bed for a bit listening to the lovely pitter-patter of the rain outside the window. I then got up and fed the cats, had a shower, ironed my work clothes etc. Then, just before I left I popped up to the loft, to get my shoes I think. As I got to the top of the ladder I heard unmistakable sound of water hitting paper and cardboard, and then I realised what had happened.

So, all the precious childhood school photos of Heather and Leon and Kim were soaked, as were all the lovely photo collages that they had put together over the years. On top of this a pile of very important looking papers were also soaked, as was a large section of the loft carpet.

I seperated all the photos and stood them up around the room to dry out. I think they'll be OK, well perhaps a little wrinkled. I had to leave the papers - there was nothing more to be done for them. And the carpet? Well that's just buggered.

So yeah, this is house-sitting: dead-fish, violent cats and flooded lofts. I think I should probably change my phones numbers, move house and just refer to Heather as 'that girl whose house I broke' from now on.